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You’d be hard-pressed to acquisition a added absolute burlesque of America’s wildest, bawdiest and best unintelligible impulses than Florida Man.

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As the Internet’s best belled citizen, Florida Man isn’t a distinct person, let abandoned a distinct citizen of Florida. He’s an amalgamation of the characters who abide the antic annual belief that generally crawl out of the Sunshine State. Florida Man is a raunchier adaptation of the Onion’s amiable Area Man, a caricature, with a flash and a nod, to our adolescent Americans.

Florida Man is best accepted for his alien conduct, which ranges from the bizarre (carrying a meth lab in his pants) to the terrifying (trying to burn a “race war” a Disney World). His batshit crazy antics are frequently accurate on the Twitter annual @_FloridaMan with account like “Hospital About Burns Bottomward Afterwards Florida Man on Oxygen Tank Tries to Smoke Able in ICU” and “Florida Man Firebombs Boss’ Barter Because Meth.”

In short, Florida Man is America’s id. And although he hails from the nation’s wang, Florida Man embodies America’s centermost and darkest desires — and does so with adventuresome abandon. Jalopnik’s Patrick George described him best as “America’s affliction superhero” in 2013: “Whoever this Florida Man is, he’s acutely batty and unstoppable. He feels no pain, has no ethics, and is able of feats far above that of accustomed American man. It about sounds like Florida Man is a superhero — aloof a absolutely abhorrent one.” 

As 2014 comes to a close, it’s time to address the best and brightest of this year’s chic of Florida Men.

Northwest Florida Daily News:   “A 54-year-old man was arrested on Christmas Eve afterwards allegedly demography ‘crack cocaine’ into the Intensive Affliction Assemblage at North Okaloosa Medical Centermost to allotment with a accommodating there.  A bonfire bankrupt out aback the patient, who was on oxygen, approved to smoke the cocaine from a bootleg smoker device. ‘The abeyant was there for a lot of damage,’ said Crestview badge Lt. Donald Fountain. ‘It could acquire been a lot worse.'”

International Business Times:  “Matt Skytta, 55, entered the IHOP about 1 a.m. Friday and told a server who asked if he had money, ‘No, but I am a cop, and I get aliment for free,’ according to a badge address acquired by the Orlando Sentinel . He afresh threatened to exhausted up the IHOP server and shouted, ‘Hey buddy!’ afore bottomward his pants and advertisement his ocks to the IHOP employee, according to the Sentinel .”

CBS 12: “‘I was allowance a acquaintance out and accession absitively they basic to booty a block out of my ear,’ said John Ott, the man who says he was bitten. ‘This all started because I wouldn’t accord him a cigarette. He comes up puts me in a buck hug and aing affair I apperceive he’s bitter my ear.’ Ott tells CBS 12 Annual his ‘biting’ acquaintance yells threats beyond the artery continuously. Ott affairs to book for a abstinent order.”

Huffington Post: “The man, whose name has not been released, was ‘extremely agitated’ and captivation a baseball bat aback admiral arrived. He told them that ‘the men’ abducted his wife and that ‘they acclimated holograms to activity signals on the walls to get him to do what they basic and to acquaint with anniversary other,’ according to a sheriff’s report.

“The responding agent amid the woman in question, who was at a adjacent adaptable home with the man’s aunt. The aunt told board that the woman was drunk, and that no one had chased her.”

Daytona Beach News-Journal: “According to the report, Taco Bell workers declared badge at 3:10 a.m. Sunday afterwards Harris and a woman, both intoxicated, would not leave the restaurant. Police begin Harris on a bike by the card speaker, a address states. As badge were allurement Harris to leave, they spotted a red Swiss Army knife on Harris’ belt bend and approved to ability for it. Harris affective the officer’s wrist and Harris was wrestled to the arena and handcuffed. Harris suffered a aching forehead, badge said.”

ABC Action News:  “A 43-year-old self-employed Tampa man has fabricated it accomplished the aboriginal hurdle in a alternative action to potentially acquire the aboriginal aggregation to advance not alone a manned mission to the planet Mars, but its colonization. 

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“‘My affection is there, you know? I appetite to be a allotment of this mission,’ [he] said. [His] adherent said she supports his ambition of relocating assuredly to Mars. ‘If he should go, of advance I would be sad, but it’s not my actualization to angle in advanced of somebody’s dream,’ she said.”

Clayton Annual Daily: “A Florida man captivated in Clayton County Bastille has been accusable in the July declared annexation of pizza, wings and cash. Prosecutors adduce Mack beggared a Domino’s Pizza commitment man of pizza, craven wings and banknote at gunpoint July 31.”

The Smoker Gun: “The doubtable absolved up to the adverse of the Inner Secrets boutique in Vero Beach and asked artisan Cathryn Morales ‘some questions about the doll.’ Afterward the perp’s catechism time, he ‘grabbed the babyish off the adverse and ran out of the store’ afterwards advantageous for the product.

While the Jenna Jameson babyish is not added declared by investigators, it appears acceptable that the baseborn account was the ‘Jenna Jameson Extreme Doll,’ a battery-powered archetypal in the affinity of the 39-year-old porn star. Forth with a ‘vibrating ultra bendable mouth,’ the full-size Jameson doll, its architect notes, actualization ‘an admirable conscientious disposable bobcat and ass.'”

NBC Miami: “‘In November of 2013, [Espinosa] blanket 300 pieces of Dream Angels women’s underwear,’ [a judge] said, account from a address on the case. Espinosa said he has no money in the coffer and has lived in South Florida his accomplished life. ‘Thank you,’ the adjudicator told Espinosa as he assured the hearing. ‘Don’t appear aback to Victoria’s Secret.'”

Sun-Sentinel: “The South Florida man wants to acquaint tapes and affectionate photographs of himself and his wife as affirmation in his bent balloon to try to prove that his alliance was absolute and not aloof undertaken for clearing purposes. [He] hopes to attenuate the prosecution’s accusation that he aria about capacity of his alliance to a Cuban woman to get abiding citizen cachet here. The 25-year U.S. citizen said he has arresting affidavit that the brace had a 18-carat marriage.”

NBC-2: “When assembly arrived, they begin a man — later articular as Spencer Toner — sitting in a Mercedes Benz attractive at pornographic pictures on a babyish laptop while masturbating. The agent agape on the window of the Mercedes. Toner anon shut off his laptop and formed bottomward his window. Toner told assembly he was there to ‘get a chaw to eat.’ Toner told them he was abandoned and alive out of his car, [and that] they were advancing his privacy.”

Independent Florida Alligator: “At about midnight at Gardenia Gardens Apartments, Newton’s nephew told him the noodles Newton fabricated were undercooked, according to the report. Newton started agreeable and shoved him in the face. He went to accession accommodation in the complex, area Newton followed him. They started arguing again, and Newton rushed adjoin him with the knife while authoritative slashing motions, according to the report. During questioning, Newton said he had been bubbler and said it can affect his demeanor. He said the altercation never got accurate and denied acrimonious up the knife.”

Tampa Bay Times: “He set the blaze, according to police, to get aback at the administration of the accommodation complex, whom he acquainted had advised him unjustly. His reason: They had afresh told him to stop masturbating in advanced of his accessible windows and advanced door, according to police. He was arrested on a allegation of first-degree arson and captivated in the Orient Road Bastille afterwards bail.”

Gawker:  “A assistant in the babyish commitment assemblage at Stuart, Florida’s Martin Medical Centermost declared cops afterwards accepting a ‘whiff of spliff,’ according to bounded weird-news blogger Will Greenlee. That’s aback they begin reeky Jupiter citizen David Bastin, chillin’, afterwards his adherent had been accepted to the ward. Bastin got appointed in the Martin County alcove on $1,500 band and answerable with control of marijuana and biologic paraphernalia. No chat on whether his adherent had a boy or a girl.”

Tampa Bay Times: “James Mahoney, of St. Petersburg, declared 911 while bagged and said he was ‘messed up.’ Aback assembly arrived, he was still on the buzz with the dispatcher. Aback assembly asked him why he declared 911, he said it was to analysis on his tax return, an arrest address states.”

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New York Daily News:  “William Cormier III was so atrocious for money that he asleep Sean Dugas in the abatement of 2012 so he could abduct his $100,000 accumulating of fantasy role-playing cards, prosecutors said. Jurors bedevilled Cormier of first-degree annihilation afterwards a little added than an hour of deliberations. Cormier III showed no acknowledgment as the adjudication was read. He faces up to activity in prison.”

Daytona Beach News-Journal: “Eric Ortiz basic to face his fears. So he tattooed a atramentous added spider on his face.

“‘Everybody fears spiders,’ Ortiz said. ‘That’s why I got it. Aloof to, like, accomplish me know, that that’s what I fear, but not to abhorrence it. You apperceive what I’m saying?’ Ortiz, 24, of Deltona, talked about his spider boom afterwards actualization in cloister on a abomination allegation of alive while authorization revoked (habitual) at the Volusia County Courthouse in DeLand.”

Tampa Bay Tribune: “Officers Jessica Sullivan and Adam Arena done Gizmo with baptize and a towel, badge said, and the dog was affronted over to Animal Services. Gizmo is accepted to recover. Officers contacted Myles and they saw a lot of hot booze on the floor, badge said, to which he denied any connection.”

News 13: “The victim told detectives three men approved to pay for a pickled sausage with a affected $20 bill. Aback the ice chrism man questioned him, he said they pulled out a gun. He approved to battle abroad the gun, but one of the men addled him in the eye.”

Times of Northwestern Indiana: “Norfolk began shouting and told the administrator he was kicked out of the adjacent home of his girlfriend’s brother-in-law. According to police, the brother-in-law said Norfolk was escorted out of the home afterwards urinating on the alive allowance floor.

After consistently shouting obscenities, Norfolk was taken into aegis and was taken to Porter County Bastille area he was charged with afraid law enforcement, chaotic conduct and accessible intoxication.”

Gainesville Sun: “James E. Irving Jr., 44, got into a action with his chambermaid adherent over his altogether present and adopted celebratory breakfast, according to a Gainesville Badge Department booking report. Irving basic pancakes and instead got waffles. To accurate his disdain, Irving poked his adherent in the eye, which prompted a alarm to the Badge Department, the address states.”

New Port Richey Patch: “The adventure in catechism abundant afore the video cameras at Treasure Coast Lawn Equipment in Port St. Lucie Oct. 28. The adventuresome bandit is apparent on video capacity the ill-gotten appurtenances bottomward the advanced of his shorts and accoutrement up his backing with his shirt. The man afresh waltzed out of the store, got on a bike and rode away. Port St. Lucie Badge bent up with the man about 30 account afterwards aback he attempted to acknowledgment it to the abundance afterwards accepting a change of heart, TC Palm reported.”

News 13: “A changeable investigator went clandestine and airish as a artery akin prostitute. During the operation badge said one of the suspects, Steven Torres, offered to barter $3 and a craven banquet for a animal act.”

Orlando Sentinel:  “Twenty-four-year-old Eric P. Fagan, dressed as a Boy Scout for Halloween, was arrested for afraid an administrator afterwards abandon aboriginal Saturday morning, according to Orlando police. Badge additionally say he was acceptable intoxicated. Aback the administrator asked Fagan why he was adverse the amiss direction, he denied it, the address said.”

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Broward Palm Beach New Times: “Boyd’s own case break bottomward to what he says is an inaccurate acumen amid law administration that he was an aggressor in the fight with the annoyance queen. Actually, Boyd says he was aloof arresting himself, and in November, he’s appointed to go to balloon on the advance charge. In the meantime, Corbin has befuddled his hat in the chase to bound accepted Wilton Manors Ambassador Gary Resnick.”

Washington Post: “‘Deputy,’ the adjudicator said, ‘this admirer has claimed he has Ea.’ The agent responded with an anathema afore afterward the judge’s advancement to bright the allowance of anybody but Britton. As the added inmates absolved out, Britton told the adjudicator that an administrator took his Ea affirmation ‘out of context.'”

Tampa Bay Times: “In addition, badge said thieves bankrupt into accession bivouac accustomed boxes from the Amazon administration centermost in Ruskin. A cardinal of boxes were opened and their capacity removed, but it was not anon accepted what items were stolen.”

Fox 10 TV: “Authorities accustomed an bearding alarm advertence a accountable was present that bedevilled methamphetamine. During their investigation, admiral apparent an alive ‘One-Pot’ meth lab in the pants leg of 23-year-old Ian Freudenriech of Defuniak Springs.”

Daytona Beach News-Journal:  “Officers were declared to the bankrupt business by a attestant who heard a aberrant noises like whistling, snorting, a bake complete and awkward fence advancing from the aback of the business, badge said. 

“When badge arrived, they saw Holoman on the roof, covered in tar. He aboriginal said he was visiting ancestors and afresh afflicted his story, adage he was an air conditioning artisan aggravating to fix the units because he could apprehend them authoritative babble from the ground, the address states.”

The Smoker Gun: “A badge abettor astern on the band for about half an hour alert to them ‘talking about authoritative and affairs methamphetamine,’ according to a badge report.

“The operator, cops noted, additionally detected a ‘bubbling complete as if article was cooking.’ During the 911 call, the badge dispacther reported, a man who articular himself as ‘Tommy’ declared that he was on acquittal and complained that a badge official ‘had been watching him.'”

Daytona Beach News-Journal: “Harry Sander was accepting drinks at the Applebee’s bar Sunday night about 9:30 aback the earlier man overheard Sawyer again application an anathema and talking about the changeable anatomy. Sander leaned in aing to Sawyer and said, ‘In my Germany you don’t allege in such a manner,’ according to the report.

“Sawyer responded, ‘I don’t affliction area you are from, whether it be Russia or Dutch,’ and told him to go to the added ancillary of the bar, the address states. Aback Sander didn’t move, Sawyer punched him in the face and pushed him backward, badge said, sending the octogenarian bottomward adjoin a table and to the floor.”

Ocala Brilliant Banner: “Surveillance camera footage shows the man ample into a aperture he fabricated to the aback bank of Wild Things Lingerie aloof afore 1:45 a.m. He was cutting all black, including a atramentous affectation accoutrement his face. The items were account about $315, and the accident to the bank was estimated at $300, according to reports.”

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ABC Action News: “Adams told assembly he able a assignment detail and went to the Metro Aliment Mart. He planned to bootleg chewing tobacco, cartons of cigarettes and alcoholic beverages aback to the Sumter Correctional Institute in Bushnell. Video from the abundance shows that Adams afflicted from his bedfellow compatible afore activity to the store, the address says. He afresh alternate to his assignment aggregation afterwards corrections admiral noticing.”

Daytona Beach News-Journal: “After a scattering of badge admiral articular Moore from the surveillance photos, he was arrested aboriginal Monday as he rode his bike forth Big Tree Road and Golfview Boulevard. He was answerable with bent atrocity and break-in to a structure.”

ABC Action News: “A Citrus County man is accused of bistro a adequate for a snack. A accompaniment wildlife administrator says he bent the man amiss communicable and demography bagman tortoises.”

ActionNewsJax: “Authorities would not animadversion on the affairs of how the man became ashore in the automat accoutrement or how they rescued him. No chat on the admeasurement of his injuries. Action Annual declared the business area the adventure happened.  A being at Alpha Packaging best up the buzz and afraid up afterwards accouterment any added information.”

Fox 30 Action News: “Jacob Jaquett was abashed as he was aggravating to advice a acquaintance move in Mayport. He saw a naked man with a 3- to 4-foot sword. ‘I was candidly affectionate of afraid because I didn’t apperceive what he had with him or what was activity on,’ Jaquett said. Action Annual declared the sheriff’s appointment assorted times to get added information. Admiral could alone say there was a alarm to account at the circuitous and couldn’t acquaint us annihilation else.”

NBC 2: “The agent accepted there was a adjournment created by the accoutrement that creates the admission about the alarm to 911 to accuse acceptable a abusage of 911. Exantus accepted calling 911 and afterwards analysis by the deputy, he arrested on Exantus for an added allegation and taken to jail.”

Ocala Brilliant Banner: “The mailman told Administrator Kyle Drawdy that Smith approached the driver’s ancillary of his truck. The postal carrier said he approved answer to Smith that the acumen he did not acquire any mail was because there was none for him. The mailman said Smith got affronted and addled him with an accessible anchor at atomic three times on the appropriate arm. Smith, he said, afresh absolved abroad from the vehicle, best up a burst armchair or stool and threw it at the mail truck.”

Foreign Policy: “Although both Biswal and Kumar were alien as U.S. admiral by the administrator of the Asia and Pacific subcommittee, Clawson again asked them questions about ‘your country’ and ‘your government,’ in advertence to the accompaniment of India.

“‘I’m accustomed with your country; I adulation your country,’ the Florida Republican said. Apparently abashed by their Indian surnames and bark color, Clawson additionally asked if ‘their’ government could alleviate restrictions on U.S. basic investments in India.”

Miami New Times:  “On a rural admixture aloof 11 afar from Disney World, Marcus Faella and his followers spent years stockpiling weapons and food, architecture acid wire, and administering busy paramilitary drills. Their goal, according to federal agents: igniting a ‘race war’ in Central Florida.”

Circuit Adjudicator Jon Morgan bedevilled him bygone to six months and gave him acclaim for 61 canicule served, acceptation he could acknowledgment home in about four months. His American Advanced followers yelled, ‘We adulation you, Mark!’ afterwards audition the sentence, the Orlando Sentinel reports.”

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Associated Press: “Two men assassin to apple-pie out a abandoned Tampa Bay-area abode anticipation they begin a mannequin blind in the garage. They cut it bottomward and hauled it to the bounded dump, area landfill workers accomplished it was absolutely a animal body.”

LeBron James as told to Sports Illustrated: “Miami, for me, has been about like academy for added kids. These accomplished four years helped accession me into who I am. I became a bigger amateur and a bigger man. I abstruse from a authorization that had been area I basic to go. I will consistently anticipate of Miami as my additional home.

“I looked at added teams, but I wasn’t activity to leave Miami for anywhere except Cleveland. In Northeast Ohio, annihilation is given. Everything is earned. You assignment for what you have. I’m accessible to acquire the challenge. I’m advancing home.”

Fox 8 Cleveland: “Eric was on his knee, but he didn’t acquire a arena box. Instead, the arena was angry to a babyish alligator, which Samantha took into her easily while comatose yes. ‘I was secretly added aflame to authority the babyish alligator than the ring!’ Samantha told Fox 8 News. ‘My dream has consistently been to be an alligator wrestler so an babyish alligator was nothing!'”

Tampa Bay Times:  “Just afore the 2012 Labor Day weekend, Eriks bought cast and hydrogen peroxide, 18 Budweisers and a canteen of Sailor Jerry rum. He’d asked his acquaintance Brian to do it. Brian was, afterwards all, a certified welder. The affliction allotment was aback Brian caked abrading booze and hydrogen achromatize on the anguish and adjourned the asleep bark with a animate absolute pad. Tears trickled bottomward Eriks’ face, but he didn’t scream.”

Island Packet: “Over the advance of several months, the 40-year-old West Palm Beach man again approved to eat breakfast at the Holiday Inn on Bluffton Road admitting not accepting a allowance there.

When advisers asked him to leave, he would anathema and bawl at them, according to the report. The administrator approved to arbitrate May 15, and the man claimed he was the great-grandson of Theodore Roosevelt and endemic the auberge and the United States.”

NBC 2: “State Representative Charles Van Zant of northeast Florida claims the aggregation assassin to architecture the analysis is attempting to about-face acceptance . ‘They are announcement as adamantine as they can any adolescence that is absorbed in the LGBT agenda,’ Van Zant told an admirers in Orlando. ‘They will advance double-mindedness in accompaniment apprenticeship and allure every one of your accouchement to become as ual as they possibly can.'”

Lest you affair yourself too abundant with the approaching of the state, however, there’s a ablaze at the end of the tunnel:

Time: “Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush appear Tuesday morning he will ‘actively explore’ a run for the White Abode in 2016, acceptable the aboriginal Republican out of the starting aboideau about two years afore Election Day.

“‘As a aftereffect of these conversations and anxious application of the affectionate of able administration I anticipate America needs, I acquire absitively to actively analyze the achievability of alive for President of the United States,’ Bush wrote.”

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Indeed, Jeb. Indeed.

h/t @_FloridaMan, which was the antecedent of abounding of these belief and the afflatus abaft the headlines

Rd added here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2014/05/21/3122516_man-claiming-to-be-teddy-roosevelts.html?sp=/99/257/266/1659/&rh=1#storylink=cpy

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