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SELLERS: Ozzy and Sharon OsbourneLOCATION: Hidden HillsSIZE: 10,930 aboveboard feet, 6 bedrooms, 6 abounding and 4 bisected bathroomsPRICE: $12,999,000

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YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Doddering but absorbing bedrock fable Ozzy Osbourne and his busy-busy aggressive wife/manager Sharon awash their religious icon-laden abode in Beverly Hills, CA in August 2007 for $11,500,000 to bedraggled accuser Christina Aguilera. Aback then, Miz Aguilera fabricated a baby, afar from her music exec bedmate Jordan Bratman, active on to a accident hit absoluteness affairs The Voice, and heaved her no-longer blessed conjugal abode on the bazaar in March 2011 with an allurement amount of $13,500,000.

The Osbournes, ex-pat Brits who alive primarily stateside nowadays, decamped the anxiously manicured streets of Beverly Hills for the horsey guard-gated semi-rural/über burghal Los Angeles association of Hidden Hills. Acreage annal and antecedent letters appearance the Prince of Darkness and his high-glitz ability princess-wife/manager paid $12,388,500 for a abundant abode with attractive vistas beyond the surrounding hills and appear the Pacific Ocean.

After a bit of bedchamber reconfiguration and a doozy of a adorning do up by acclaimed (and famous) nice, decorator Martyn Lawrence-Bullard, Missus and Mister Osbourne had their rambling, country-glam address in the celebrity-packed burghal sticks photographed for the June 2011 affair of Architectural Digest. Missus Osbourne herself commented in the commodity that she and the mister get absolute acreage “itchy feet” and accept never lived anyplace best than seven years. It should appear as a abruptness to no one then–least of all the association at Architectural Digest–that bygone Missus and Mister and Osbourne hoisted their abode in Hidden Hills on the bazaar with an allurement amount of $12,999,000.

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Added Dirt

Your Mama did a few quick and abecedarian calculations on our bejeweled abacus that announce that alike if the Osbournes administer to defended a abounding amount sale–and what’s the likelihood of that?–they ability cheep by with a sliverish accumulation already they angle over the fat absolute acreage fees that by our estimated admiration could calmly run upwards of bisected a actor smackers. And that’s not counting the aerial advance and day-core costs that absolutely ran able-bodied upwards of a actor clams.

Property annal appearance the Missus and Mister Osbourne’s Hidden Hills acreage encompasses 2.25 mostly manicured acreage and includes a abode that measures 10,930 aboveboard feet. Current advertisement advice shows the multi-pronged pad contains 6 bedrooms and 6 abounding and 4 bisected bathrooms additional a guest/staff accommodation with kitchenette. The Architectural Digest commodity states that afterwards they purchased the property, Missus and Mister Osbourne boarded on a advance that narrowed the bedchamber calculation bottomward to three in adjustment to accomplish way for an broadcast adept apartment that now includes all-encompassing applicant wardrobes, two luxe bathrooms and a brace of clandestine offices, a paneled one for him and addition for her busy with atramentous and white Cecil Beaton appearance photographs.

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The accouchement will–or should–recognize Martyn Lawrence-Bullard as the English guy on Actor Dollar Decorator. Mister Lawrence-Bullard, absolve his fey heart, is decumbent to affected statements like, “Symmetry is abstention and abstention is delicious” and swans about and calls anybody “daaahhhhrling” in a vaguely not-British accent. We adulation him and his apish ways. Mister Lawrence-Bullard’s heavily-processed adorning fancies accept appeared in every apartment annual accepted to (wo)mankind and he’s acclaimed in the architecture and day-core industry for his aerial wattage celebrity audience who accommodate (but are far from bound to) Elton John, Cher, Kid Rock, Daisy Fuentes, and soft-core porn purveyor Joe Francis. Whatever one may anticipate of his affected eclecticism, aback it comes to putting a allowance calm acclaimed association will absorb big bucks–and we beggarly BIG bucks–for the scruffy designer’s signature affecting (and sometimes melodramatic) adorning flourishes.

Mister Lawrence-Bullard thankfully attenuated the truckloads of religious iconography that Missus and Mister Osbourne had blimp into their Beverly Hills mansion, which featured acutely in the family’s early- to mid-2000s ground-breaking absoluteness affairs The Osbournes. He did not, however, arrest the adorning affectedness for which he’s acclaimed (and acceptable at) and the aftereffect is a brash and generally alluring mix and bout of old-school English country house, Gothic glam and Shabby Chic farmhouse, all of which is done over with a ample ache of Versailles. It’s awfully nouveau, really, but it’s so abuse arbitrary and, admitting its bright burnish of artificiality, so acutely claimed that it works…for the Osbournes. Mister Lawrence-Bullard recognizes that the abode belongs not to his flights of adorned but to the Osbourne and as such brindled the couple’s accidentally blueblood abode with their abounding air-conditioned collections that accommodate aged tea sets, cow-shaped things and dolls.

A arched drive climbs up to a bean motor cloister at the advanced of the abode that has added than a few barn-like architectural garnishments such as the gambrel roof band and silo-like anatomy that marks the capital entry. Alike admitting Your Mama’s Big Daddy’ lives in a abode that looks cautiously like a adapted barn–it was never absolutely a barn–we don’t affliction for this accurate vernacular. Iffin we capital to alive in a abuse barn we’d be a horse.

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Anyhoodles poodles, the mansion’s adorning bender smacks a being beyond the face anon aloft entering the abode through the the double-height annular antechamber that appearance a aerial two-story bank of windows and a amphibian access corrective jet atramentous that curls like a babe about a aristocratic table that Architectural Digest declared as “19th-century French.” Your Mama, on the added duke would call the table in a far beneath accomplished manner, perhaps, as a gilt-accented aged table that apparently amount added than our BMW.

The academic active room–all red, rose and pink–features a broiler with, ahem, a gilded angel cartoon in advanced of it, a angled bank of French doors, clear chandelier and a lot of over-scaled adornment and cottony adipose furniture. In the academic dining room–which, in truth, looks bewitched in the bright pages of Architectural Digest but a little antiquated in advertisement photos–French doors on either ancillary of a Directoire-style broiler with carved bean chase accessible the allowance to the air-conditioned ocean breezes that sometimes alluvion over the mountains. Light from (a-may-zingly decadent) clear wall-mounted chandeliers and a 19th-century French chandelier that hangs over the Lawrence-Bullard-designed table and chairs reflects and multiplies off the silver-leafed beam and the walls covered in a Chinoiserie-style argent painted-silk bank treatment.

The added affectionate areas of the abode accommodate an alluringly paneled library with fireplace, congenital bookcases and a bristling daybed covered in midnight dejected velvet. If Your Mama knows Mister Lawrence-Bullard–and we do not apperceive Mister Lawrence-Bullard–it’s apparently yummy-yummy and atrociously big-ticket cottony velvet. The cook-friendly eat-in country kitchen has a ample assignment island/snack bar with afflicted red stools, an aing breakfast alcove captivated in windows with all-embracing view, applicant abdomen and commercial-grade stainless animate appliances. The kitchen was not, it seems, advised with a accommodation for the bake aback advertisement photos appearance one sitting on the adverse aing to the stove. Call us careful but for thirteen actor bucks, hunnies, we appetite to the bake to accept a congenital abode of its own.

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A brace of sliding barn doors accessible the kitchen to the white-washed ancestors allowance with alveolate beam with apparent beams and trusses, aged brick broiler surround, reclaimed wide-plank copse floors and, because this is the Osbourne’s bassinet and aggregate charge dribble with glam, a leash of bright aged clear chandeliers. Mister Osbourne, according to Architectural Digest, brand to acrylic in this room. A attenuated access a the kitchen, lined with Mister Osbourne’s abounding gold and platinum albums, descends to the lower akin outfitted with a home amphitheater and advanced recording and call studios.

The adept suite–probably beyond and absolutely far added arrant than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter’s house, contains a ample abstracted sitting allowance furnished with angels and clover covered things and a ample bedchamber with alveolate ceiling, French doors that accessible to a clandestine terrace, aerial appearance corrective copse floors, and a broiler belted by a brace of beauteous egg-shaped windows. We could do after the floral-printed airship shades that attending like the basal of Marie Antoinette’s dress, but the egg-shaped windows are, to use Mister Lawrence-Bullard’s admired word, fabulous. The adept suite, as mentioned above, additionally includes his and her bathrooms, custom-fitted applicant closets/dressing apartment and a brace of offices.

In archetypal southern California-style several terraces at the rear of the abode extend the active amplitude to the outdoors. A stone-walled covered patio with archways that anatomy the abundance views, has a aerial wood-beamed ceiling, alfresco broiler and–for the consistently all-important glam factor–a chandelier. Adjacent to the infinity-edged pond basin and spa–which includes a bank adolescent basin too–a pergola shades a lounging/dining breadth with congenital barbecue center, terliting ability and alfresco shower.

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We haven’t heard a buzz from any of our sources central the celebrity absolute acreage d about area Missus and Mister Osbourne ability aing be headed but iffin we were the action type–and we’re not–we’d put all our chips on red 57 that they’ll backpack up their best tea set and baby collections and arch on aback to on of the high-toned zip codes in the Platinum Triangle: Beverly Hills, Bel Air and Holmby Hills. We shall see, ons, we shall see.

listing photos: Sotheby’s International Realty

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